fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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