WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We need to get me chipped asap
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
