Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
two words: eviction party
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
