my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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