My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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