"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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