You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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