How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
