You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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