what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So much rum. So many feels.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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