I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize