Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
