So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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