I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
