I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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