When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
