U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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