You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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