I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize