The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
