Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
