I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
