Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
