i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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