why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
