I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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