how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
