Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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