I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
