WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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