I puked a lego.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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