he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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