mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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