ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
accomplished twins. life is a go
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
