I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
