Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
