Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
