mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
