You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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