I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
