Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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