She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
