you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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