a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Kiss
Puke
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
how do flat chested girls get laid?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
