My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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