My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
