from now on my penis is your penis
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
