I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
