Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
