i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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