just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
