Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
