apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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