My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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