This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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