I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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