Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize