I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
