I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
