Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there's paper in my vomit.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
