I heard we made out
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
