Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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