im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
