Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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